Armor

How quickly it comes up.

A good solid defense when times were traumatic and I needed to survive. But these days it isn’t trauma that causes the defense. It’s ordinary daily life that can strike out of nowhere. It’s the extraordinary times we’re living in. And from the outside maybe it seems like nothing at all.

A car problem

The uncertainty of teaching in a pandemic

The constant feeling of running to stand still. Never enough.

An election…Morality on the line

A comment taken the wrong way

Exhaustion…Simple exhaustion

And my nervous system reacts before my brain even has a chance to see it coming…Armor up.

I’m learning ways to calm and soothe, to coax my nervous system into relaxing its grip on me. A hot bath, writing, a bike ride, or a few deep breaths. I’m realizing everything on this list allows me to slow down the race, the pace of the day and my thoughts. It allows me to notice and observe. Gain awareness and perspective. Let’s me put a box, a container around work and stress. The space that’s created in the slowing down…It’s powerful and healing. It’s where the inner work is happening.

And again I come round to the quote I read this morning:

At your core, you are not your reactions or your defense mechanisms. You are a vulnerable and sensitive being who learned to adapt, be strong, or hide your emotions in order to survive. Underneath it all is your true nature waiting to come alive. _{–Elephant Journal}

Add obsessive bather to my list of tricks. I’m coming alive.