Surrendering

The very concept of surrendering involves giving something up…power, control.

I got tossed around the other day and didn’t come out the other side doing too well. The experience lingered and I got wrapped around and tangled up with it. Waking up the next morning wasn’t the new beginning I usually have with a new day.

Looking in the mirror that morning, standing there with myself and all my glorious imperfections, the words “great surrendering” came to mind. I realized there was nothing I could do about the situation I had encountered. I felt voiceless and defenseless, which isn’t a position I feel comfortable operating from. Fear and defense came from that, which sent me spinning. Armor up.

Staring into my own eyes I saw the fear and realized I couldn’t run from it. I had to surrender to it. I have no control anyways, so why fight like I do?

Surrendering isn’t an act of weakness. It’s the ultimate show of strength…inner strength to accept that we don’t have control. In giving up the illusion that we do, we’re released.

And I’m left to feel. Not to control or judge, just feel.

Feeling and breathing, riding that wave. Giving it all up in the great act of surrendering…and gaining the sunrise. Even if it does take its sweet time.

Fuck, sometimes the waves are so huge, and the set comes in from nowhere though, you know? It’s crazy making.

I spent a summer farming in Kauai in college. I learned the power of the ocean that summer. I learned to never turn my back on her because just when I’d get all cocky and think I had it figured out, I’d get crushed. All I could do at that point was surrender to it and let myself eventually float to the top for breath. These weren’t the gentle rollers I grew up with in Florida. I could grip the sand at the bottom and splay myself out flat on the ocean floor and still get pulled up and over, tumbling and rolling. Crazy. Never turn your back on the ocean. Awareness.

That summer we harvested at sunrise, swam in Mama Ocean in the heat of the day, and weeded the fields before sunset. It was the paradise you hear about, living with a bunch of hippies on a farm. It was the most healing experience of my life.

Rising before the sun, working the earth, greeting the day with song, in community.

Swimming when it was too hot to work, and finishing the day where we started, caring for and tending the fields.

Harvesting what we ate, being outdoors always, flowing with the day. Riding the wave. Surrendering.

Blowing with the breeze and feeling myself grow strong.

It’s easy to find that flow in paradise. I remember on my last day in the fields, I was bent down, feet in the red soil, breeze blowing through my hair as it did the ginger plants I was so lovingly weeding. I had a moment of recognition that the challenge in front of me was to bring that sense of peace and contentment, that sense of belonging and rightness back with me to the mainland, and all the stresses I would be returning to.

And I was right…Here I am 25 years later, getting tossed around in the waves and fighting so hard for control. I turned my back on the ocean and got crushed. I let the stresses of my life override the sense of peace and contentment my younger self found in those fields.

And I stand here looking in the mirror at myself and all my glorious imperfections, the words “great surrendering” coming to mind, and I whisper to myself…

Hello sweet friend. Let go. Ride that wave and surrender to the breezes blowing through you.

And once again, I’m feeling and breathing, riding that wave. Giving it all up in the great act of surrendering…and gaining the sunrise.