I’m so lost these days and then I go out skiing in the woods and everything feels right and good. I’m breathing and smiling, noticing beauty and feeling alive. And I just don’t want to go home. I want to stay out there, go farther. Go further.
It’s funny how good I am at avoiding myself, and everyone else for that matter. I need to take this inner journey, and to be completely cliche I need to find myself. Here I am running to the mountains when I really need to run to myself.
But here’s the thing…that’s where I am my most authentic self. I am most at peace with who I am, have the most clarity, feel the most in line with who I am at the core.
So, I suppose it makes sense that when I’m lost and want to find my footing I want to go where I can turn down the volume and connect with myself.
There’s a surrendering and an acceptance of myself that happens when I’m alone, but not when I’m with most other people. It’s like when you go to someone else’s house with your small child, and you become hyper aware of how loud or messy they are and fuss at them more than you ever would at home…even though their behavior is no different!
Lovely.
Exhausting.
How do I begin to have patience and loving acceptance of who I am, my struggles, fears, moods, but still push myself towards change so that I can meet my people half way and not make them constantly reach over to my side?
How can I go further without going farther? The difference between those words is so beautiful. A figurative versus physical distance. Apparently, I need (want?) both!
I started this post by pointing out how I always want to run to the hills (farther), but need to run inward to work out my shit (further), as if it is a problem. But, maybe that’s the problem…thinking of my instincts as something I should shift. Maybe if I listened to them, I could find an inward journey that begins with a little time and space to get to know myself again properly. Maybe the figurative distance I need to go can be attained when I allow myself to go the physical distance I crave. Into the woods. Into myself. Maybe Thoreau was onto something.
